This just came into my head to write, following a Date With Destiny with Tony Robbins, when someone else shared something so familiar to my situation. I felt less alone from hearing them. As a self esteem and confidence Coach, Author and Speaker, I always try to lead with authenticity and vulnerability when needed; however, you can continually improve yourself. Today I will share how I’ve been feeling about being single for so long but the great that has come from it.
I want to make this very clear that I am not saying ‘Be single for the rest of your life’ or ‘Be single it’s awesome’. I want to reach people who may feel lonely like I have done or feel the need to get external sources for happiness; this is not the answer. You have to enjoy your company and work on you, while taking action to meet the right person, which admittedly is something I’ve neglected in the past.
At times I used to feel quite alone and tremor of extreme insecurity used to spread through my body. People would talk about past relationship challenges or that first love, it was almost a norm that a relationship is expected by the age of 25.
How did I get into the area of self esteem and confidence?
I got into the whole personal growth area when I tried to improve my book writing; I just wanted to write, but then upon getting a mentor discovered a real world of coaching, YouTube, and podcasts. I loved it!
As I moved forward though more insecurities and self esteem and confidence issues came up. These had come up through life, but I would usually flush them away with my busy social life or work / day job. Then one day, my self esteem got so low I knew I had to do everything I could to boost it, it became my mission. I started learning and applying, learning and applying. Guess what? It improved. I knew that was my area to teach to others and knew it was a challenge for them. This was my area of personal growth that holds close to my heart.
How did I become single for 29 years?
It’s probably a question you’d ask someone who has done well in life: great family, great friends, great career, great drive, great energy, great shape and generally told I am a kind / giving person. I’ve dated girls and been with girls physically but not in a relationship.
Well, if I’m totally honest on why I was single, I wasn’t sure for many years. Sometimes I’d date a girl, and I wasn’t into her, and sometimes we mutually weren’t into each other. She might not be into me, but then there were about a couple of occasions when we were both into each other. Still, due to circumstances such as distance or location, it wasn’t to be. When I say dating, I mean seeing each other for a couple of months max.
I just got more and more frustrated. I thought ‘why does ‘everyone’ get a relationship and not me?’ notice emphasis on everyone. The brain does that to generalise.
There is a good point about standards in that I don’t want to get together with just any girl for the sake of a relationship, but in the past, there were severe low self esteem issues and feelings of ‘I am not lovable’ in the deep subconscious. Then there have been many things I’ve tried to learn to condition myself ‘How should I text?’ ‘How long do I leave before calling?’ ‘What is the percentage of listening to talking?’ ‘What are the top 5 things to bring up in conversation’. Completely mind driven and taken away from me.
Looking back, I think most girls could see I was getting into my head even if it went well to begin with. This then made me think ‘What’s the point in trying? This dating stuff is far too hard’. It made me take less action and not even try to look for someone for months at a time and just try to date now and then. This then reinforced the belief of ‘I am not lovable’ aaaaaaaah. The mind is a very complicated, but making me laugh writing this out.
So a combination of lack of self esteem in the subconscious in the past, overthinking, not being myself, pulling back on taking action to date, and all while being selective on who might be a potential girlfriend may suggest to you why I have been single.
How can you learn to love yourself
It used to hurt me a lot. I felt like I was in such a dark place, alone, abandoned, and lonely despite many friends and family around me. When I was 3 years old sadly I had a baby brother who died. This meant my parents had to leave me with family friends, although I have amazing and extremely loving parents and that made sense for when they had to get to my the hospital with my bother. For some reason this experience had left a feeling inside of me, that ‘I am not lovable’ and I find myself doing anything to get away from being abandoned again. When discovering this through a meditation it let strong emotions out. I realised the story I had been inside of me of not being lovable, which was reinforced by any dating setback, but at the same time, I was almost self sabotaging myself from being happy.
So when I began to get my hands on more and more self esteem materials and apply, it made me develop such an internal sense of validation. You MUST apply.You only need approval from yourself. I’m not saying being distant from everyone else, DO NOT DO THAT! I have learned to love myself even more. It’s an ongoing process. I’ve learned the words I need to say myself, how to look after my body and how to look after my mind. I’ve learned who to hang out with and stay away from. I’ve learned how to be so self aware. I’ve discovered what truly is fun for me in life: socialising, personal growth, coaching, writing and speaking. So when I do meet the right girl, I can share these things too.
