So, a bit more of a difficult topic, but one that I felt I needed to address given that we’ve just had mental health awareness month and it’s now men’s mental health month.
‘I hate myself’ is something I’ve certainly said many times and know that there are many people out there, who say those kinds of things to themselves. If you think that you are the only one who hates themselves, you are not alone. In today’s blog, I wanted to outline some ideas that I’ve used to overcome this.
‘How do I stop hating myself?’ Self-hate is something in line with very low self-esteem and when seriously low, it can cause dramatic consequences. Not only how people treat themselves but how they treat or act towards others around them. If more people loved themselves there would be a lot less hate in the world. You can probably think of some very recent examples in the media of humans attacking or killing other humans. This stems from self-hate, which is then projected on to other people. These kinds of acts drive me to want to help people more to increase their self-esteem; if people loved themselves more, this could promote a healthier chain reaction throughout the world.
Where does self-hate come from?
It comes from beliefs about oneself. Beliefs that are often not true. We think that they may be facts but really, they are generalisations or blowing something out of proportion. These beliefs are often formed from earlier experiences in childhood but can be reinforced throughout life.
By default, the brain is generally negative; it is constantly looking out for dangers from which to protect us. The brain looks at insecurities to avoid us doing something that might put us in danger. This can hold us back from doing a lot of things.
You need to think of how you are talking to yourself, like talking to the 3 year old version of you. Imagine what a 3 year old would feel like if you spoke to them with a lot of words full of hatred. This 3 year old is always inside of you, it’s your inner child and with you all the time.
HOWEVER
If you do not like yourself, YOU have the power to change this! It may be challenging to change your way of thinking but it is possible. YOU just have to put in the work. Self love requires self discipline. When I say discipline I mean sticking to doing things that help you, not punishing yourself.
For me the question “I am going to be me for the rest of my life, why not learn to love and grow that person?” rather than being miserable, really helped change my thinking.
So what can you do to change your beliefs? How to practice self love and care
A love letter
Although writing yourself a love letter may be hard and seem cheesey at first, start small. It will help you to see the good in you. When you repeat this again and again, this will be a skill that you can improve and the brain will then be able to pick out the great in you. This is the importance of self love.
Affirmations
These are a good way to change the subconscious. To create an effective affirmation make sure it is true, present and powerful though. There is much debate into what a good affirmation is but from my experience, I believe that listening to role models saying something like: ‘I am a millionaire’ or ‘I am extremely confident’ when you are not, is not effective. The brain will pick up on lies like that. Use something like: ‘ I am working to love and grow myself as much as possible’.
Journaling
A good journaling session can be as effective as therapy, I’ve found. What it does is create a very detailed level of self awareness. When we become self aware, we can understand what the reasons behind the self hate. Then by asking good and positive questions such as ‘ what is good about me?’ or ‘How can I improve that area about me’ ,your brain will look for an answer.
Schedule in self- care time
I’ve been guilty of this in the past and continue to work on it. You must (MUST, not should) have time to relax. The brain and the body need it. Think of the inner child; if you made a child burn out from working all the time, how would they feel? They wouldn’t have the necessary element of play in their life.
Exercise and nutrition
I talk about these a lot when I talk about mental health, but I can’t state the value of getting these right. The way you treat your body and mind is extremely important to how you feel. If you are shoving rubbish into them all the time, you are telling yourself that that is what you are worth. If you look after yourself, you are showing self love. It’s not to say that you can’t have a rest day or give yourself treats but really think about what you are eating and about your exercise.
Conclusion
Self-hate comes from negative beliefs that come from our experiences. You have the power to change them; it just takes a bit of work. Really increasing self-awareness, talking to yourself in a consistently positive way, as well as looking after yourself, are all acts of self love. Keep taking actions to increase self love and the self hate will reduce.
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Jonny Pardoe © June 2020
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