This bank holiday weekend I’ve struggled, I’ve really struggled and whilst I feel like nobody cares how I actually feel (due to a few recent conversations I may very well be misinterpreting or coming from a belief system of previous challenges). I wanted to blog as I found it is a release. After going through more than five lots of breath work and all my tools today lol. Then I thought about it and realised as always this comes back to me. When I take responsibility for how I feel and how I communicate it brings the power back to me to allow me to have a healthier relationship with myself and therefore others.
There are going to be times where emotions are going to be more challenging than others and that’s totally ok. I’m not 100% sure where I’m going with this blog to be honest. It might just be a rant. Knowing me though I’ll probably transform it into some practical advice.
What I’ve found great though is that I’m able to find space for me and sit with me. What have I struggled with? Honestly I’ve got stressed and angry with trying to give myself some time to relax. I just couldn’t do it and my brain is like ‘great wasted it now got another week of trying to deal with another load of stressful shit’. Then I found what I just wrote hilarious.
Anyway as I was journaling something hit me… where a lot of the stress has come from has me not being a full expression of myself. I think having spoken to a lot of men it’s true for them as well. Now there are different levels for not speaking up and expression to being brutally open and honest… fortunately for a few years I’ve not been at the level of people pleasing and agreeing with everyone to be liked. Now I will most of the time state my view.
Yet I’ve found myself putting on a little bit of a filter if I’m honest (which let’s be fucking honest most of Instagram is using) ‘I help digital creators live the life of their dream’… that person who has only done it a few weeks or ‘I help people make 6 figures a month’… they made a little bit of money once. Let alone photoshopped photos…. Anyway I go on a Jonny rant so I’ll stop 🙂
PS I even got a little nervous about writing ‘fucking’ as a word in a blog. Was going to take it out, but then realised it was an expression.
Where I’ve found myself filtering is with the important hats I’ve had to wear across my life in career and business. Also running a highly popular top 1% podcast I feel I should have everything nailed…. No. I have felt like I can’t be open as I will be judged. I also feel like I’ve experienced being stabbed in the back and heart many times in my life when I’ve shared something so that’s hurt me too.
The biggest one I’m working on is when someone I’m closer to me has upset me. Although I won’t keep a constant ongoing resentment I feel where I need to improve is just explaining someone may have hurt my feelings. The alternative is build up and chest pain in the body which has caused a lot of problems before.
Generally I feel I can communicate in pretty healthy ways and a lot less passive aggressively than I used to but a work in progress. For me the question remains at times as to whether it is the person who has genuinely done something that has upset me or it’s a trigger I need to sort out or both. A conversation with my coach this week.
When I don’t let myself express freely that hurts me and having a strong relationship with myself is the most important of all. I wanted to write this today, only to get it out of my head and also be that expression of myself.
Other men reading, don’t worry if you can’t jump into shouting from the roofs straight away, yet do something small to express yourself. Then keep doing it and praising yourself for being you. Thank you.
Jonny Pardoe
©The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Ltd 2024
